Post #41- Why I'm scared.

I have a hard time believing in love at first sight at this age. There is always someone catching my eye but I prefer substance over looks any day. The older I get the more I'm aware of what I want and don't want. I'm too old for games and too young for the couch potato. Most of the population is eliminated by marriage or too much baggage. I'm sure there are great people out there who feel like I do but they are too few and far between.

The atmosphere...Picture a room full of lost, empty, shallow, desperate people making complete asses out of themselves hoping to hook up with someone that just might fall madly in love with the fact that they have no morals, self respect or dignity of any kind! Doesn't it sound enticing?

I'm always being told I will find someone to love when I least expect it. I shouldn't have a problem at this point. The truth is I denied for years that I needed to be with anyone. Tough, independent, self-sufficient but unavoidably human. Forgot that part!

Final

Eight feet in the air and only seconds to get it right, I had no choice but to land the jetski upright. A seemingly endless moment where fearless youth and harsh reality compete, youth prevailed and I brought her down. White knuckles, blistered thumbs, a pounding heart, and a pissed passenger; I let off the throttle and welcomed the purr of her unprovoked motor. The "animal" owned by many but tamed only by a few required concentration, stability and absolute fearlessness.

Few things in life give me more of a rush than the wind whipping past my face at excessive rates of speed. Combine that intense feeling with an almost naked body, a hot tan, and the rush of cold water smacking your skin and you've found an uncertain glory in the world of jetski racing. In all that glory lurks numerous distractions. There are no yellow lines to divide you from the other "skiers". Even in reduced speeds, you need to be on constant watch. There is no test to pass to wrap your legs around this monster machine. Inexperience doesn't have to be yours to meet someone head on. Turning for that split second to check out the half dressed person who just passed you is the true test of concentration and without a doubt, the most challenging.

There is the law of "wake jumping". Someone decided they owned the waves left behind their speeding boat and took away our right to mess them up. Tell a person on a jetski they can't jump a wake is like telling Hugh Hefner he can't cop a feel. Something doesn't seem right about that. Ignoring the "road signs", we took every opportunity to jump. Depending on the size and speed of the boat you could find yourself flying in the air as much as ten feet. This wasn't something you did with your eyes closed. Knees squeezed tight, body low and all the stability you could muster meant the difference between a good landing and a full body enema.

There is something magical about believing you can live forever. The gift of ignorance and the joy of youth can make you do some crazy things. Pushing a 750 jetski to its speed limit and turning the handles at full throttle was without a doubt completely, insanely fun! Submerging the machine and your body up to your waist then catapulting out of the water like a cork from a champagne bottle was a rush beyond words. A move I owned proudly was the trademark of a fearless skier.

Ten years later I sit on the dock of Greenlake watching the skiers zoom by and I find myself disappointed not to see a "water dig" or "wake jump". I listen to the retired camp owners complain about the noise and the recklessness of todays youth and I imagine just for a few moments what it would be like to go back.

Post #40-I'm scared

I haven't been out in almost a year. I'm not much for bars or nightclubs. It's just not me but I was bored so I ventured out. I'm truly scared by the entire atmosphere. What is this world coming to? I hated it. It was like being in hell only worse. I honestly felt scared. I'm single and I honestly don't think I am going to find anyone who comes close to having any substance. if you have found someone you love and you doubt they are everything you need, think twice about that. Chances are you have found the right one. It gets worse as I get older. I am a loyal, honest, forthright, caring person yet I haven't found that cerain someone. I honestly don't think I will. That's sad!

Required Post #39-Exhale

I've been living outside of myself the past few weeks. I feel like I've been a stranger in my own skin. It's nothing crazy. I just haven't wanted to be in the moment. I have distanced myself from a lot of things. School wasn't one of them but I AM looking forward to the break. I think I'm headed for a road trip. Tennessee most likely. I have some great friends there. I feel like I need to exhale. Time for bed!

Blogs visited #9

http://wwwaboutme.blogspot.com
http://xxmadiesxx.blogspot.com

Blogs visited #8

http://jcherweg.blogspot.com
http://learnaboutmike.blogspot.com

Required Post #38- My Grade

I always read your website. You're sarcastic and witty so it's welcomed reading. I'm floored by people getting even slightly pissed that they can't make up work that they haven't done for three months. Your expectations don't exceed reason. From day one, you let us know we are responsible for our work. What more could anyone want? I was talking to a former student (one of the pissed off ones) and he was mad because you sent him notice he was failing your class. I asked him if he had been doing his blog, if his essays were done etc. No, No and No! Okay, "What would you expect him to do?" I asked if he had talked to you about it. Again, No! "You haven't been to any classes, done any assignments, talked to him about possibly making up the work (this was weeks ago) and you're pissed he is failing you?" ... Obviously, not your problem he's lazy, inconsiderate and assuming. At the end of the conversation, it was obvious what I thought about him and he ended by saying, "I have nothing against him, I just wish he would have said something to me." He still didn't get it. Some never do.

I can honestly say there is only one professor I haven't exactly "enjoyed" but I think he will come around with experience. I consider myself a generic, mushy writer. I like to write but don't put myself in situations where writing is uncomfortable. You knocked me around a couple of times, and shook some writing sense into me. I give you a definite passing grade both as a teacher and a human being. It truly has been a pleasure being in your class!

I'm sorry I don't have some seriously intense bitching for you. Something tells me you won't get much of that.

Required Post #37-It's over

I get to keep my dogs! I have been in mediation for 6 months with an old boyfriend. I won't get into all the boring details. When I ended this relationship, both dogs were already living with me. He never wanted the dogs. In fact, he hated them. He complained constantly because they were "too much work."

I understand that labs aren't for everyone. They are hyper, need constant attention, and can be extremely irritating for someone with limited patience. Gary had zero patience. Duke is my black lab. He is 110lbs of pure muscle. We were horsing around one evening. Gary didn't like the dogs in the house so I waited for him to go to work. The second he drove out of the driveway, I opened the gait. They sprang into the house like horses jacked on steroids. Well...I was hot from grappling with the dogs so I cracked a heinekin and plopped my butt in the recliner. Just as I leaned back, in one leap, Duke jumped from one end of the den directly into my lap. The beer hit my lip, went up my nose and all over me and the recliner. My lip was swollen, I was wet but not the least bit mad. How could I be? This big knucklehead of a dog was licking the beer off my face. He was just happy to be up there with me and I was happy to have him.

It's finally over. Six months of unecessary stress and $6000.00 dollars later, I am the official sole owner of Duke and Hunter. Gary thinks he somehow won because I had to pay for a lawyer and forfeit a large portion of the proceeds from the sale of our home. What he doesn't know is I would have given up everything if there was truly a chance I could have lost them. There are more important things in life than money. I couldn't see spending the next six months worrying. It wasn't worth it and neither was he.

Required Post #36-Let's pretend.

Let's pretend we are in a Jim Carey movie and we can never lie. Go a few steps further. We can't be mean, material things don't exist, we can't make someone cry...you get the idea.

Give me a break tonight. I know the world would be boring, not challenging enough etc. but we're pretending. I'd like a few minutes of that.

So I'm in this perfect world. I sleep through the night. I wake up at 5am and drink my coffee without rushing. I drive to school without being tailgated. I go to work and find there is nothing for me to do. I actually have time for homework. I head home with no traffic. I feel great! I fall asleep and don't dream.

Reality may not be boring but sometimes it exists a little more than I want.

Signing off a little pissed at the world.

Required Post #35-Don't spin this one!

One of my favorite classes is Sociology. I love the topic, the professor is extremely unique, interesting, and fun. Great! There is one person in class I try to have a lot of patience for but she truly sucks the life out of me. She has something to say about EVERYTHING and I DO mean everything! It's never a quick comment. Short of living in a bubble, I'm not sure how one person can have so many black and white, narrow minded and just plain ignorant views. The young man that sits beside me says it's because she's Mormon. I know a handful of Mormons and they are truly cool, disciplined people. I try not to generalize in any one direction so I'll just rack it up to my problem. Here's the most recent example...

Last Thursday we did this really great excercise where the professor had the women leave the room and he had the men finish the sentence, "Women are...". I knew this in advance so for fun while sitting in the writing lab, we got the chalkboard out and had some fun. LISTEN UP! I love men! They make extremely great friends. They aren't back stabbers. I actually prefer their company over women but I just ended a relationship with someone that wasn't exactly honest (enough info). I wasn't in the mood to be overly generous with my commments. IT WAS IN COMPLETE JEST that ALL of us women poked fun at men. I assure you, had we known Ed was going to take the men down to the writing lab to see the board, we would have been a lot nicer. It wasn't that bad but it could have been nicer. OK so here's how the story ends...

The professor made a comment about what each gender wrote and the woman that drives me nuts spoke up (imagine that!) She had the nerve to say, "Ed, I just want you to know that what was written on the board (in her writing) was not my views of men". "I was simply writing down what one person (me) was saying." At that very moment, nearly every girl in the class turned, looked at me and rolled their eyes. They were as shocked as I was. EVERY single girl had something to say about men. I was NOT the only one. This woman resents me because I do have a hard time sitting back while she condescends black priviledges of any kind, gay teachers, and people (like my grandmother) who sued a drug company for killing my grandfather with drugs they KNEW weren't safe. It truly takes a lot for me to boil but I'm there.

I went to work, to the gym, back home, worked out more, put my roller blades on rolled around the garage, feeling like shit and here I am still just a little irritated. Get over it right? Not that big of a deal I know. Today is just one of those days where I don't feel like turning the other cheek, smiling, giving someone a break, being the bigger person and all that other shit I feel so obligated to do!!!!!!!!!!!

Without any notice, she licked her finger and rubbed it over my eyelid. "That's too much makeup for a little girl." Her name was Ometa Murray and I was her housekeeper. She was a pushy, lonely but very sweet old lady. I needed school clothes and Ometa needed someone to talk to. I was a thirteen and this was my first job. Spending Saturday mornings cleaning for an old woman and her terminally ill husband was not high on my priority list. Who would have thought such a thorn in my side could have taught me so much about patience, respect and the age of friendship.

Ometa was a small woman with soft, wavy, white hair, squinty eyes and a motorized mouth that had an endless supply of fuel. I was a lot of things growing up but lazy wasn't one of them. When I was given something to do, I did it immediately. Not at Ometa's. My first responsibility was not dusting or doing dishes, it was sitting at the table drinking a hot cup of cocoa while Ometa talked endlessly. The first few times I thought I would die from boredom. One morning everything changed. I was shocked to see a pathetically weak, old man shuffling to the bathroom. Ometa never mentioned him so I assumed she lived alone. She helped him to the bathroom and returned with a sad look on her face. Ometa told me it was her husband and that he was dieing. We didn't talk long about it. She said enough for me to realize just why it seemed so important to her we sit and talk before I started work. Ometa had no family. She was alone. Each morning after that, I found the patience to sit and listen to her talk and after awhile, I began to enjoy it.

Patience wasn't the only thing I learned working from Ometa. One morning I wasn't feeling all that great. I decided that I wasn't going to work that day so I rolled over and slept a few more hours. The next weekend when I showed up for work, I wasn't met with a cup of hot cocoa. Ometa wouldn't talk to me. I thought maybe something happened with her husband so I kept to myself and finished up my responsibilities. Just before leaving, Ometa asked me to sit down. She told me she was very disappointed in me. At that point, I had no idea what I had done to upset her. She told me that she relied on me for help around her house and that if I wasn't going to show up for work, I needed to call and let her know. She said it was disrespectful for me to assume that I was there simply to get paid. I remember feeling completely sad that she thought so poorly of me. I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice.

Respect has its priviledges. Saturdays with Ometa didn't seem like a job anymore. We talked a lot. She continued to critique my appearnce and soon we were comfortable enough to start poking fun at each other. I still remember her laughing to the point of tears when I looked at her very seriously and said, "Ometa I think you have maggots in your salt shaker." I had no idea it was to keep the moisture out. Eventually, I started to look forward to my mornings with Ometa. She was truly one of my best friends.

My mother used to say, "Enjoy your life because it gets more complicated as you get older." She wasn't lieing. It seems we reach a point in our lives when we stop making friends. Maybe people become jaded, too busy or they're simply happy with the way their life is. I guess I miss the innocence of friendships formed when two people meet with no expectations and find everything they could ever imagine exists in that one true friend.

Required Post-#34 On a little lighter note.

My youngest neice is two. At dinner last night I wasn't feeling well. She was sitting diagonal from me. Everyone was talking but I was being unusually quiet. At one point my eyes watered a little. Just as I got a napkin, Madison got out of her chair and walked over to me. She said. "You're OK Auntie Dar". WOW! It's amazing what kids will pick up on.

Required Post-#33 Really sick of it.

I guess you'll never know!

I typed a pretty decent size blog...mostly venting. I went for a drive then decided to delete it. I hate to whine!